The blue room

For a moment I thought it was all real.

The house seemed quite large; each room reminded me of something. The ceiling was out of reach, yet I felt suffocated. It all happened so fast that I didn’t even have time to grieve.

I was wondering through the rooms like I was a stranger. A mixture of enthusiasm and panic was overwhelming my body. I saw the shadow of my best friend from middle school. A fraction of a second she was there, then she was gone. Along with her disappearance I felt myself fading.

I went into the bathroom. A cold, blue room. I could see my breath as I exhaled. My hands were no longer pink. I tried holding my fingers still but a cold shiver passed through my entire body. As I watched my hands trembling I noticed that my knuckles turned blue. It was as if I had been suddenly bruised. But I did not feel a thing. I only felt that I wasn’t alone anymore. Fear was overwhelming me, yet I couldn’t look behind me. I could only stare at my reflection in the mirror. A little girl approached me, yet I couldn’t see her reflection in the mirror. I could only feet the soft touch of her white gown on my legs. Her eyes were stunningly blue and they were fixing me, while her blonde hair was beautifully framing her pale face. It seemed that she wanted to utter something, but no sound was coming out of her mouth. Her eyes reflected such a pure affliction that it seemed nobody could truly understand it. She was so young…

When I finally found the courage to look into her eyes my heart stopped beating. Her lips weren’t moving, yet I could clearly hear her voice in my head. Suddenly, a tiny and insignificant drop of blood started dripping from her forehead. In vain was I trying to wipe it because her skin seemed out of reach. The white sink was now filled with salty, red spots and the bleeding didn’t seem to be stopping. I tried to brush her hair off her face but I couldn’t grab a single strand of her hair. She was bleeding, yet I couldn’t do anything to stop it.

Then something happened. The Laura everybody knew no longer existed.

I ran into the living room and tried talking to somebody, anybody. Everybody kept telling me that they were here beside me because they wanted to “help me”. I couldn’t understand what was happening to me. “I’m still alive. I’m here, aren’t I? Why can’t anybody see it?”. My hands were shaking as I was searching for my cigarettes. A hand stopped me from lighting it. “From now on you cannot smoke because the ember will unravel your identity”. “What identity? Apparently no one notices my presence, so why the fuck can’t I smoke?”. “The human eye is not trained to perceive such fast movements. Your body travels so fast that nobody can see you as you move. If you light a cigarette somebody might notice you and once you have joined our world there’s no turning back. You cannot go back to the way you were. Never again. And you are not allowed to be discovered”. “What the hell are you talking about?”. “You are in your house. This will be your home from now on. You may go anywhere you wish, but you cannot leave the house. You can see who you wish. I know who you wish to see. I know that you’ve waited a long time to see him”. “What are you talking about? How do you know?”. “All you have to do is think of him and you will be right next to him. You are allowed to look at him for as long as you please, but you must not touch him or try interacting with him in any other way”.

This wasn’t happening. This couldn’t be happening to me. I wanted to see him, but not like this. I wanted to touch him, feel him and inhale the smell of his body. I couldn’t do this. I was trapped. I was trapped in my own mind. 

Rock paper scissors

The beach is a gigantic place filled with million pieces of microscopic pebbles. It's really hard to find the right one, trust me. There are a thousand tiny pebbles along the shoreline, each in every possible form, shape and color. But what happens when you've discovered the perfect pebble just to realize that it is out of your reach? You need to settle with a less perfect pebble and try to forget about the perfect one.

You have to think twice before picking up any pebble because once you've held it in your palm there's no turning back. You're stuck with it. Once you've inhaled its particles, they will spread through your bloodstream. This happens so fast that you don't even realize when and how it happens. The worthless pebble will no longer lay on the ground, it will become a part of you. Each time you inhale and exhale you will feel it in your body. Your heart will be aching, your chest will be sore. All the time. The tiny pebble will slowly eat you alive. Every inch of your body will scream in pain. But you cannot utter a sound since words hurt so much they cannot search for relief. The bruised heart is scattered with so many pieces of memories that it shows signs of failure. Time spears nothing. Every second wasted, every heartbeat is bringing it closer to exhaustion. I told you there's no turning back. I told you to think twice before taking this leap.

Your heart will eventually start bleeding. You're so familiar with the pain, aren't you? Then why are you so scared? You can bare the physical pain, but you're too weak to ignore her call. Oh wait, that's what got you here in the first place. The powerless girl with a cowardly excuse, that's who you are. You're so afraid and insecure that you settle with the easiest option. But as you walk away from the beach with the rusty pebble, you can't stop thinking about the perfect pebble. However you know that you cannot have it and you never will. Yet you cannot stop thinking. What if you haven't given up on the shiny pebble? What if you tried harder? What if...There's no use because the shiny, perfect pebble is and will always be out of reach for you. So just get used to it, all right?

Personal work pt.6

Challenge DAY 11

DAY 11 - Future plans/goals

Uhm...a while ago my big "plan" was to:
a. come to Bucharest
b. finish school
c. work => earn my living somehow
I think it's still there. In addition, I would really like to learn German. I have no idea when I will do that though.

DAY 11 - A song from my favorite band
This time imperfect by AFI = V.L.

Challenge time DAY 10

DAY 10 - Future tattoos?

I remember last summer when I was in Germany I was so determined to get a tattoo that I almost got a bow right above my girls.
I know that I want to get a tattoo one day, but I'm not sure what exactly I want to get. I first thought of getting a bow on one of my wrists, but I don't want to draw attention on any of my wrists. Practical reasons...
Ankles seem like a good place to get tattooed though. I still haven't given up on the bows. So, I might get a tiny bow on one of my ankles.

DAY 10 - A song that makes me fall asleep

My favorite song to fall asleep to is The interview by AFI. That's why maybe I've listened to it 511 times. Well actually about 2000 times since I reset my number of plays a while ago.

Challenge time DAY 9

DAY 9 - My views on drugs and alcohol

I can say that I've tried them all. Minus the drug part. I think that drugs are really a waste of money. Heck I could do so many things with the money I would spend on drugs. I think that it's a completely stupid thing to do. I mean, you take the drugs, feel like you're on top of the world for 10, 15 minutes, 1 hour, 2 hours and then? You just get terribly depressed and kill yourself. If you're careful enough not to OD first. [Again cliché] drugs really destroy your life. If you would ever decide to go into rehab, it still takes a lot of time to get back on your feet, you have to spend a lot of money [again], hurt everyone around you, feel guilty all the time that you're too weak and you can't give them up. For me, the feeling of guilt is the most horrible part. I could not live with myself knowing that I'm so addicted to something and I just can't seem to find a way to give it up. I've been in a similar experience before and over the years I've realized that it's comparable to taking drugs.
Now, in what alcohol is concerned...I grew up in an environment where drinking wasn't considered a problem. So during my high-school years I used to drink. A lot. I think I've had my experiences with alcohol and I there's nothing I'm missing out on. Like drugs, alcohol too is expensive.

DAY 9 - A song that I can dance to
We the kings - She takes me high

Challenge time DAY 8

DAY 8 - My current relationship and if single, discuss how single life is

During my high-school years I've wanted to be in a relationship so badly. Well, I had the same desire during my first 2 years of university. Now I don't really want that anymore. I had two traumatizing experiences and I think I should take a break. Yeah, I don't want to be alone and all that, but still I know that being in a relationship takes a lot of effort and I'm not really willing to commit myself to something like this. For now. Besides, I will soon be leaving my home-town and there's really no point in starting a relationship right now.
I actually love my life as a single person. After I broke up with my last boyfriend I felt to relieved. I've gotten into a point where I felt I had zero benefits and had to do a lot of useless talking, "trying to make things work". It was actually an additional stress to my life. Now I don't have that anymore. I'm free. I can go out whenever I want to, spin poi, read, go out and take pictures, be depressed, watch movies all day without having to call somebody or bash my brains where to fit "him" in my life. It's really awesome.
However, I think that I still have an idealized picture of how a relationship should be. All I know is that I do NOT need next to me. Which I kinda knew it before, I just had to convince myself. I tried and realized it was a complete disaster.

DAY 9 - A song I know all the words to

Haha..I don't even know where to begin. Recently I had the curiosity to count the number of songs I know all the words to. I only got to letter C and counted 150 songs. I obviously gave up.
I've been listening to Hawthorne heights and AFI for about 5 years now and I will always love these two bands. Well, at least their older songs. I don't really like what they've come up with recently. So, This is who we are by Hawthorne heights would be my pick.

Challenge time DAY 7

DAY 7 - What makes me different from everybody else

It was in high-school when I first thought I was "different". Well, I actually considered myself a freak at the time, still...I realize that I'm different because all of the things I went through. And I know this sounds terribly cliché.
I just take a look around me and I am surrounded by heartless, self-centered, evil bitches [and....gigolos? I don't know what would be the appropriate equivalent for males]. I like to think that I'm different from them. I actually give a damn about people and I do try to help them whenever they need me. I think I'm too nice. And sometimes helping somebody proved not to be in my best interest, but I still offered my support. Although I HATE asking for help. I have no problem with somebody asking me something, but I have a big problem when I need to ask somebody to do something for me.
Somebody once told me that I was different because of the way I think. Which means, to a certain extent the way I see life. I might have extravagant ideas, but that doesn't mean that I'm weird. It's just MY point of view.
I've realized that it doesn't really matter what I think. I don't need the entire world to like me because that would mean that I would be giving up my beliefs. I think that somebody who will accept me, like really accept me, will be worthy of my attention. I know it sounds kinda harsh, but honestly now...I can't spend my entire life behaving and thinking in a way somebody wants me to.

 
DAY 7  - A song that reminds you of a certain event
Rough hands by Alexisonfire reminds me of a pretty horrible experience I went through. I will always think about it whenever I listen to the song.

Challenge time DAY 6

DAY 6 - Somewhere I'd like to move or visit

Hmmm..All I know that I DON'T want to stay in Romania. And honestly, I have no idea where exactly I want to move or visit. 

DAY 7 - A song that reminds you of somewhere
I will be heard by Hatebreed..yeah...nice moments

Challenge time DAY 5

DAY 5 - Where I would like to be in 10 years

I think that it's a bit unrealistic of myself to think about where I would like to be in 10 years. I like to plan things step by step. Given the fact that I have no idea if I've passed all my exams and my graduation thesis needs to be completed in about 2 weeks I'm not really in the mood to think about the next 10 years. First of all, I want to pass all my exams and graduate!
In 10 years' time I would really like to be living somewhere abroad. I hate my country. I hate its inhabitants! I guess that no matter where I go, there will still be shitty people around me. Yet I want, I need a change. I would also like to have somebody who will accept and want the same things as me out of life. I don't think that finding my "true love" is the soul purpose of my existence, although I wouldn't mind sharing my life with somebody. No marriage and no kids involved though.
I also wish that I would manage to create something or to do something meaningful. Translations aren't meaningful. I wish I could make a difference through my writing or through any form of art I enjoy making.

DAY 5 - A song that reminds you of someone

I'm a fake by The used reminds me of someone.

Challenge time DAY 4

DAY 4 - Bullet my day

11:30 - woke up
11:35 - turned on my pc
11:40 - went into the kitchen and made myself a cup of caramel black tea
11:50 - went on the balcony and joined my father for a cigarette
12:00 - still sitting on the balcony and reading TIFF synopses

12:05 - smoking a cigarette while reading out loud summaries of today's movies so that my parents could decide what movie to pick
12:15 - went inside to check my e-mail (hoping to find out at least one exam result) and facebook
12:20 - got mad because I still didn't know any results
12:20 - 14:00 - diplom writing
14:00 - watched one episode of Six feet under while eating 2 slices of pizza
14:20 - smoked on the balcony while still watching Six feet under
14:30 - 17:00 - still diplom, cursing, hating my life, hating merging 4 word documents, hating sorting alphabetically all 9 pages of refferences; listening to Thrice to calm my nerves
17:00 - drank some orange drink with vodka, ate a couple of cookies and some strawberries
17:20 - checked my e-mail for potential exam results [again!]; no luck [again!]
17:30 - washed my hair
17:45 - 18:25 - what to do nooooow? i feel to guilty not doing anything, yet I don't feel very productive; checked my e-mail 1000000 times [again!]
18:25 - 18:26 - commented on a photo
18:26 - 19:20 - what to do nooooow? i feel to guilty not doing anything, yet I don't feel very productive; checked my e-mail 1000000 times [again!]
19:20 - I was bored therefore I ate another cookie
19:20 - 21:30 - watched Two and a half men
21:30 - 21:50 - got dressed
21:50 - 22:40 - walked to the cinema while listening to music
23:00 - 1:30 - muvi TIFF

DAY 4 - A song that makes me sad

Damn...I don't even know where to begin. A lot of the songs I used to listen to were sad ones, so I really have where to chose from. I can't really decide between  "Rough hands", "A breath of sunshine", "Things aren't so beautiful now [Pt.2!!!]" and "Swallow the knife". I think I will eventually go for "A breath of sunshine" since I think it was one of my first out of a loooooong list of depressing songs I discovered on my own.

Challenge time DAY 3

DAY 3 - My zodiac sign and whether I think it fits my personality

My sign is Aquarius (and I recently, well about a year ago that the plural for Aquarius is Aquarians not Aquariuses). Anyway, I don't really know much about the description of my personality according to my sign. Yet I know that we love experiencing new things, but we have trouble settling down and we are sincere when we tell somebody that we love or care about them. However, we can still be single, yet happy; sometimes we don't mind being single.
I couldn't help myself and I searched for a description of Aquarians. Likes: dreaming and making plans for the future, thinking about the past, having fun. All these are correct and fully applicable to me. Dislikes: the ordinary [damn right I hate ordinary!], imitations and idealistic (I'm assuming that this is a downfall of us). Again all three things are correct.
Oh I remember I read somewhere that we are very artistic, emotional and rather introvert human beings. Which is true. I like to get away from the world at times and become a temporary loner. And the part with "artistic" suits me perfectly since I like to write, take pictures, create something. I used to have an obsession for bracelet making. I would buy elastic band, different color, sizes, models of tiny balls to put on the elastic string.  I had an entire kit for this. Anyway...we also have good taste in music (although SOME bitches consider things otherwise), drama and art.
I guess I was rather brief, but I think I covered the basics.

DAY 3 - A song that makes me happy

Although I mostly listen to hardcore stuff, I also have happy songs in my playlist. Boys like girls and Cute is what we aim for always make me happy. A song that always makes me happy is Marriage to millions by Cute is what we aim for.

Challenge time DAY 2

DAY 2 - Write 30 interesting facts about yourself

1. I have a weird attraction for depressing songs, movies and documentaries
2. I always told myself that I would NEVER dye my hair blond, yet I've done it about half a year ago.
3. I don't like to be like everybody else, nor listen to the same music as everybody else. That's why nobody (beside two persons) has ever heard of the bands I listen to.
4. I used to like Tokio Hotel. It's kinda embarrassing now that I think about it, but at least something good came out of it: I learned a bit of German and because of them I even studied German for two years.
5. I don't have a drivers license although I'm 22.
6. I like doing things alone. A perfect day would sound like: waking up late, having a couple of slices of buttered toast and a cup of black tea with milk, watching movies, going out and taking pictures, while listening to music, then coming back home and watch more movies and going to bed.
7. I'm a nice person and I usually help people even though I bitch about it afterwards.
8. I like TALKING. Seriously. Just give me the opportunity to do so.
9. I like to listen to hardcore and screamo.
10. I am planning on getting a tattoo. Not sure about what I want to get, not where I want to get it, but I know I want it to be meaningful and not visible to the average eye.
11. I really want to spin fire one day and hopefully I will be able to do so in the future.
12. Sometimes I get the feeling that no matter how hard I try it's still not enough.
13. I'm a nerd. I mean I study hard and I'm a perfectionist at pretty much everything that I do. I like to make things as nice as possible.
14. I am never happy about my weight and sometimes I wouldn't eat for days in a row.
15. I should have been dead a long time ago. Yet here I am, I survived.
16. I like to write and in the past 5 years I've written 5 diaries, countless sheets of papers filled with poems or random thoughts, one poetry notebook, two notebooks with a novel I wrote when I was in high-school and about 30 pages of a new novel I've been working for a while, yet I didn't manage to finish it. Lately, I prefer to write my thoughts on the computer. If I'm not at home, I always have a few sheets of paper and a pen. I never know when I feel like writing.
17. I usually donate blood. I started donating blood 4 years ago, when I skipped a class and decided to donate blood in order to get an explanatory statement for missing classes that day. Now I usually donate about 2-3 times/year.
18. And no, I don't get grossed out at the sight of blood. I had tons of blood tests when I was younger and I'm used to the red body fluid.
19. I HATE French, although I study it at school. I hate speaking it, mostly because I can't have that awsome French rrrrrrr accent.
20. I hate vacuuming.
21. I hate cheese. Well I think I'm a bit open to eating certain types of cheese than I was a couple of years ago.
22. I find downloading the pictures I take, slightly editing them and putting them in folders relaxing.
23. Falling asleep with my head on somebody's chest and waking up next to the same person is the best feeling in the world.
24. I sometimes think that words cannot fully render how I feel.
25. I usually like dealing with other people's problems rather than my own.
26. I wish I could wear sunglasses during the summer, but it's rather impossible given the fact that I need to wear glasses. If I don't wear them I'm blind as a bat (I'm shortsighted).
27. I get easily offended or insulted, but I don't really show it.
28. I should have been named "Adela", but my parents finally decided to call me "Laura".
29. I often obsess about a song and I listen to it over and over for days, even weeks in a row.
30. I like to listen to how people I interact with express themselves and I try to refrain myself from correcting them (although I don't really manage to keep my mouth shut).

DAY 2 - my least favorite song

Surprisingly, my least favorite song is not some Lady Gaga, Rihana, Beyoncé song, it's this one:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GgFE5OQbt_g&feature=fvst

The beat just drives me crazy. It was such a hit last year, wherever I went puf, the song was all over the place, even in the bus [Jesus!]

Challenge DAY 1

I've thought of doing this when I came across this idea on some random person I follow on tumblr. To make it even more interesting, I will be making two challenges: one music challenge and one "about myself" challenge.
I don't know if I can fit in writing every day of my life for the following month, but I will try.

DAY 1 - The meaning behind my blog name

Hmmm...Actually the name of my blog is the name of a song by We came as Romans. I don't know why I thought of it, but I think that the name really reflects the way I see life. I also think that WCAR's song had a strong impact on me. They basically sing about how hard it is for humans to change their habits, to move on from the past and to look forward. All I ever did in my life was to look in the past because I always thought that it was so much better than the present (obviously it wasn't, duh!; it's just my twisted mind) and less dim than the future.
However, I consider that every experience I went through thought me something, it made me "grow" as a human being. I see certain things differently. I think differently. I feel differently. And that's because of every person I met up till now. Some of them had a great impact on me, they've changed me completely, damaged me. But hey! I still consider that I was lucky to have met them.
I never thought of things this way, but as time went by I realized that to grow as a person means to let things behind. I won't be a hypocrite and say that I've managed to apply the principle on myself. But at least I've realized what was wrong, right? That's a start. 

DAY 1 - My favorite song

I had a bit of trouble deciding what was my favorite song since I listen to a lot of music genres. So after I've done a bit of thinking I came to the conclusion that my favorite song is "From heads unworthy" by Rise against. I remember the circumstances I came across it perfectly and each time I listen it I can almost see myself in her room half-asleep and trying to decipher the lyrics.
That's why I have several favorite songs and there is a meaning behind each and every one of them.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HQvjsN-54a4

Personal work pt.5

Safe and sound in phone lines

There are certain people who aren't meant to fit into your life no matter how much you want them to.

Sau poate incerci sa te convingi singura ca de fapt ei iti sunt predestinati. Cateodata simti ca intr-adevar e asa, dar alteori te intrebi ce dumnezeu cauti alaturi de persoana de langa tine. Si cand ai astfel de ganduri ar fi cazul sa faci ceva. Si repede.

Credea ca nu se va descurca singura, desi i-a spus in repetate randuri ca are nevoie de el. He just didn't color her world, so she had to walk away.

Some days however, she just wished things turned out differently. This is because she sees the past far better than it actually was.

Stop hoping, god damn it!

Mi-e frica de...

S-a terminat.

S-a dus in baie. Prin geamul intredeschis se vedea cum ploua. S-a uitat in oglinda. Oare cine era persoana cu par blond cu suvite roz si ruj rosu pe buze? Nu semana cu ea. Deloc. I-a spus ca ea nu o va parasi niciodata. Apoi i-a zambit. Si a plecat. La fel de brusc precum a aparut.

Si-a luat toate lucrurile si a inchis usa. S-a asezat pe jos. Mai degraba s-a prabusit. Nici macar nu i-a pasat de tigara aprinsa. Si-a aruncat ochelarii. Isi simtea inima batand tot mai tare. Incerca sa respire mai rar si sa se calmeze. Dar inima ei nu putea fi controlata. Trebuia sa...trebuia sa...

The saddest thing in the world is loving someone who used to love you
I cried A LOT because of you
But I made the right choice.
It all became clear to me when I...

S-a auzit cum o usa deschizandu-se. Parca a fost trezita dintr-un vis. O lacrima se zbatea sa se scurga din ochiul ei drept. Dar nu a mai apucat.

Contrar asteptarilor

A fost o zi lunga. Dar s-a terminat. Dorea sa se spele pe dinti inainte de a se culca, dar mica ei baie portocalie parea atat de trista si mohorata incat nici nu vroia sa intre in ea. Luandu-si cartea, s-a indreptat totusi spre baie, si-a pus pasta pe perie si a inceput sa citeasca.

Era pe balcon. Fuma. Dintr-o data a remarcat un caine negru. La fel ca si...Nu putea sa fie..Oare..Trebuie sa fie al vecinei de sus. Dar nu era. Si ea stia. S-a apropiat de usa blocului. Parea ca era in cautarea a ceva, a cuiva. A incercat sa-l cheme. Parca nici nu a auzit-o. Silueta lui s-a pierdut printre verdele violent de crud al ierbii. Fara ca macar sa ridice ochii, fara ca macar sa o priveasca. Totusi ea l-a chemat. Poate ca nu a auzit-o. Sau nu a vrut sa o auda. Sau vroia sa o raneasca. Tacerea e intotdeauna cea mai dureroasa. Nici macar cele mai crude cuvinte nu pot provoca o suferinta mai profunda. 

Si-a terminat tigara.

S-a inchis usa.

S-a inchis in ea.

Iata ca si-a atins scopul. A terminat-o. Si ce? S-a ales cu ceva? Nu tare. Spera ca finalul tragico-depresiv o va misca. Parca era de gheata. Nu a simtit absolut nimic. Nu se regasea in poveste absolut deloc.

Tocmai a avut un deja-vu. Sau poate ca a mai avut parte de acelasi sentiment mai demult. Acum mult mai demult. Acum mult timp. I-a fost dor de el. I-a fost dor de ea.

Atata timp cat va avea o foaie si un pix nu va fi singura. De fapt niciodata nu a fost singura. Doar in astfel de momente isi da seama de acest lucru  asta. O intelege. Chiar daca altii nu reusesc.

De ce se folosesc cuvintele acesta/aceasta pentru a denumi fiinte umane? Incearca sa evite formulari de genul. Suna prea...impersonal. Dar nici pentru lucruri. Unele lucruri au suflet. Unele lucruri traiesc alaturi de ea; sufera si plang alaturi de ea. 

Crede ca e fericita. Dar nu e. Incearca doar sa se amageasca singura. Poate numara pe degetele de la o mana de cate ori a fost fericita. CU ADEVARAT. Sentimentul autentic de fericire e cel ce ramane impregnat in memorie pentru tot restul vietii: persoanele implicate, circumstantele, cu ce esti imbracata, in ce anotimp, luna, zi, ora, minut, secunda a zilei s-a petrecut. Tot!

Cat de multe ar vrea sa spuna, dar parca are mainile legate, iar mintea ei refuza sa gandeasca. Tot din cauza ei. Asa a invatat-o.

Poate ca vrea ceva ce nu exista. Dar a existat odata, deci propozitia initiala e falsa. Ca nu va mai avea parte de asa ceva, asta e alta poveste. Stie asta. Stie foarte bine ca nu va mai simti niciodata ce a simtit atunci. Se intreaba doar daca mai are sens sa...

Nu! Nu vrea sa scrie decat despre asta. De asta s-a inventat scrisul pentru ca el trebuie sa reflecte tot ce un om nu poate sa rosteasca cu voce tare. Bucuriile se pot exprima cu usurinta. Atunci ce mai ramane? Da! Chiar acel lucru. Toata lumea se plictiseste de tine la un moment dat, fie ca recunoaste sau nu. Dar noi, in stupizenia noastra, credem cadaca vorbim cu cineva toate problemele noastre vor disparea ca ceata in momentul rasaritului soarelui? Daca nu vorbesti tu cu tine, cum sa vorbesti cu altii? Spune-mi!

Silent hunter. Silent strike. Au ceva in comun. A silent hunter strikes silently. Evident. Dar intotdeauna i-a placut mult jocul. Ulterior si formatia/dj-ul/whatever.

Si da! A fost fericita. Obiectele te fac fericita. Cum altfel ai putea fi fericit? Asta daca nu esti un calugar budist. Unele obiecte au o insemnatate mare pentru posesor. Nu inseamna ca esti superficial. Iti gasesti linistea in lucruri care te fac fericit si care stii sigur ca nu te vor rani sau dezamagi vreodata. Dar asta bineinteles ca nu poti sa o intelegi.

I believe in me and I believe that I am not meaningless.

A inceput sa uite. Lucruri care credea ca vor ramane mereu impregnate in memorie incep sa se stearga. Incet dar sigur. Atata doar ca nu stie cu ce va ramane peste o luna, o jumatate de an, 10...Ce anume se va pastra si ce anume se va sterge pentru totdeauna?

Nu a trebuit sa planga. A trebuit sa scrie. In romana. Nu engleza. Ciudat. Niciodata nu a simtit nevoia sa scrie in romana.

Avea dreptate. Nu e ciudata. Nu se intelegea pe sine (ca veni vorba tot nu se intelege) si poate nu se va intelege niciodata. Dar nu e nimic.

Singurele momente cand simte cu adevarat ca exista e atunci cand isi asterne gandurile pe o bucata de hartie. Inceputul e mai greu. Dar apoi cuvintele vin de la sine. Mintea ei functioneaza! Gandeste! Deci nu s-a pierdut pentru eternitate! Pana cand gandurile nu sunt exprimate, nu isi gaseste linistea. Pana cand corpul nu cedeaza din cauza extenuarii, nu poate adormi.

Linistea i-a fost tulburata de o tigara aprinsa aruncata in bezna noptii. Pentru un moment a crezut ca ea a fost cea care a scapat-o. Dar inca se afla intre degetele ei. Nu i s-a parut. A fost real.

Pana si el a fost real. Ciudat. Acum nu imi mai aduc aminte de el. Sau nu vreau. Nu acum. Nu e momentul.

Personal work pt.4

Illusions and dreams

She was heading towards the door and accidentally glanced through the dirty window. The same black dog was lying on the concrete. She initially thought that he was dead and her heart filled with an indescribable sorrow. Or was he waiting for somebody? She approached the poor creature and it suddenly stood up. He seemed to recognize her. She smiled and wanted to pet him; she knew that a dog’s back was a safe bet, but she aimed at petting his face, carefully avoiding his ears. But the dog backed away. “I’m just a stranger for him” she thought and sighed. However, she didn’t want to give up. Slowly, the dog enjoyed the social interaction and looked straight into Emma’s eyes. “Hello again, you.” Emma had seen him for the first time the night before; same time, same place. It was as if she was reliving the previous night. The dog accompanied them to the next bus stop. Whenever they stopped, the dog stopped too. But it was different today: she was alone. There she was: sitting in the bus stop and asking herself whether she should try and touch him again. Of course she had a second attempt. The dog wasn’t backing away anymore and he lifted his crystal eyes at Emma. She quickly checked her left and right side. For a moment she thought that he was there. She then walked slowly towards the crosswalk and she saw that he was following her. She smiled again and reached for her Pall Mall. After lighting her cigarette she searched for his eyes. He disappeared. The street was empty. No sign of movement. Maybe she will never see him again.

She was sitting outside. It wasn’t cold outside for she was wearing only a t-shirt and a pair of jeans. The garden seemed beautiful, but empty. Like her heart. She suddenly decided to sit on the grass. Every blade of grass was loaded with fresh, cold drops. She was anxious to feel each and every one of them on her tired and bruised arms. She lied down with her head facing the cloudless sky. The first drops gently soaked the cloth of her shirt and she instantly felt relaxed. But she then decided to roll over. After doing so, she felt a faded pain on her stomach; she ignored it. She rolled over once more and the pain became more striking. After every roll, the pain was getting stronger. When it was more than she could take it, she decided to examine her body on the outside. Her yellow element tee was painted red and there were tiny holes here and there. She didn’t understand what had happened to her. She tried to touch the crimson stains but she immediately withdrew her fingers. Her entire body was covered in wounds: thousands of tiny thorns were scattered throughout her entire body. How could this be possible? She was sitting on grass, there were no rose bushes nearby. Words are not enough to describe the horror she felt when looking on her right. The ground and the green leaves of the rose bushes were soaked in her blood; the remaining thorns were blood stained as well. She felt warm tears rolling down her cheeks. She was alone, bleeding and hurting.