Where to now?

You thought you were fine. Until one day. Or night in my case. Pretending is what I do best. Pretending even to myself. Some things just can't be said out loud. They're meant to stay deep down. Yet when they surface, they do so with such an incredible force that they crush everything.
Another sleepless night. "I love you" whispered in the bright, white night. For the first time in my life. I meant it. Too bad it fell on deaf ears. It will always be the same. I keep bruising myself. Every single, fucking day of my existence. I will never be complete again. I will never feel entirely happy ever again.
You feel stuck. Inside your mind, your thoughts. You are hurting. You are hurting so bad it kills you on the inside. Words are not enough to describe this feeling. Nobody can fully listen or understand for they wish to pretend everything is fine. They want to show you that "everything is great, enjoy your life because it's awesome". But it's not. It can't be. It won't be. Will it ever be?
There are moments when you can't stand it anymore. But you have no idea what to do to make it go away. In those moments you are completely alone for nobody can comfort you. Although sometimes miracles do happen, but they're over and it's highly unlikely they will happen again. Are those moments never to happen again? Are you left alone with your hurt? Or even worse, you need to pretend that things are "okay"? That is the thing that scares you the most.
Oh well, this is your life, Emma. I would have expected some acceptance by now. But of course, acceptance is just around the corner. Yet you can't expect me to embrace my fate so easily. I will. One day. Some day. Maybe. I don't know. I really don't know. 

Happy fucking Christmas

Yeah, Christmas is here. One of the most depressing times of the year, along with Easter and birthdays. But let's focus on Christmas, as in on the present. Although the things I am going to say apply to all of the above mentioned anniversaries. One cannot conceive not celebrating any of these "special times of the year" without our Families. Why? Are these the only times when our family members find a few hours to spend with their "loved ones"? You may be in the company of each and every family member and still feel incredibly alone. You just want to get this entire charade over with. And the funny thing is that everybody thinks you're having a blast. Well, I can't really tell them that; it would completely ruin their beliefs. And I wouldn't want to hurt my "family", "the only people on this earth that love me", right? I've always hated these family moments. Yet I've realized that year after year things keep getting worse. Because they just can't understand the fact that you've grown, that things won't be the same as they were when you were 10. I believe that family are those people who you feel close to. That doesn't necessarily include the blood related people.
Yesterday night, the first day of Christmas of 2010, I was sitting in the living room while I was watching the lights on the Christmas tree. That reminded me of the times when I was sick and I was laying in the exact same bed. The same lights, the same bed, the same damn tree. The only difference is that now I am not sick anymore. And I hope I will never be. After that I desperately felt the need to go out for a walk. And a cigarette. That wasn't exactly the state of mind that I wanted on the first day of Christmas, but I couldn't help myself. I am a mess, my life is a mess, everything is a mess. I am still trying to piece myself together and I don't know if I can do it. I am afraid, afraid of not getting hurt. AGAIN. Because apparently I am so good at getting myself hurt.

Personal work pt.3