Happy fucking Christmas

Yeah, Christmas is here. One of the most depressing times of the year, along with Easter and birthdays. But let's focus on Christmas, as in on the present. Although the things I am going to say apply to all of the above mentioned anniversaries. One cannot conceive not celebrating any of these "special times of the year" without our Families. Why? Are these the only times when our family members find a few hours to spend with their "loved ones"? You may be in the company of each and every family member and still feel incredibly alone. You just want to get this entire charade over with. And the funny thing is that everybody thinks you're having a blast. Well, I can't really tell them that; it would completely ruin their beliefs. And I wouldn't want to hurt my "family", "the only people on this earth that love me", right? I've always hated these family moments. Yet I've realized that year after year things keep getting worse. Because they just can't understand the fact that you've grown, that things won't be the same as they were when you were 10. I believe that family are those people who you feel close to. That doesn't necessarily include the blood related people.
Yesterday night, the first day of Christmas of 2010, I was sitting in the living room while I was watching the lights on the Christmas tree. That reminded me of the times when I was sick and I was laying in the exact same bed. The same lights, the same bed, the same damn tree. The only difference is that now I am not sick anymore. And I hope I will never be. After that I desperately felt the need to go out for a walk. And a cigarette. That wasn't exactly the state of mind that I wanted on the first day of Christmas, but I couldn't help myself. I am a mess, my life is a mess, everything is a mess. I am still trying to piece myself together and I don't know if I can do it. I am afraid, afraid of not getting hurt. AGAIN. Because apparently I am so good at getting myself hurt.