August 28th

Why do we keep struggling that I do not know. Maybe hoping that one day it will get better. But what do you know, it just won’t. You just start getting used to the same old things each day and accept them without even questioning. You keep pushing yourself to exhaustion. You are fully aware of it, yet you can’t stop it. It’s like you’re feeding on y our own self-induced sufferance.

For one moment, your heart stopped beating. You remembered. You felt like world was spinning and all you could think about was her. Your felt your heart breaking. Cloudy eyes. Teary eyes. The bright light was now foggy. You felt like you were choking. You wanted to break down right there and right now. But you couldn’t. Fake it with confidence, sweetie. You know you can do it. After a couple of seconds you were back on your feet. Or so it seemed for the unseen eyes. You just wanted to be left alone. So you kept focusing on their problems, their concerns, just to distract yourself. It worked for a couple of hours. Until you were all alone with your thoughts.

That’s why people work. Not for the money, but to run away from themselves. It’s so much easier when you know you have an anchor. You know when you’re good at something and it gives you a sense of security. It makes you feel more in control of yourself. Especially when you know there’s no way for you to fail. You’re simply good at what you do. Nobody can take that away from you. Nobody. At the end of the day you feel exhausted, yet you find yourself talking about the same things that cause you so much stress during the day.

Another day, the same routine, the same cup of coffee, the same bed sheets, the same purple light. The same you. You’re left with yourself. Now that’s your problem that you can’t deal with your loneliness. Especially when you’ve wanted this for so long, right? It’s what you wanted. You find yourself grasping the pillow so tightly that your fingers hurt. You crawl up in a corner so that the entire bed remains empty. Deal with it. It all comes with a price. 

You see him every day always with a smile on his face. Yet you know it’s not like him to be that way. Something in his smile does not seem right. He talks as if he doesn’t care. Yet you know he does. You know very well how he feels. Even though he never told you, you know it. And for some reason it hurts you to see him this way. You wish you could take back everything. You wish he hadn’t met you. You wished that everybody who got to know you would not feel so disappointed in you. Especially not him. Admit the fact that you cared. You did. Not enough, but you did care. You just wished that you could care more. But you know you couldn’t. And you end up hurting everybody. That’s just who you are.