Urban mixture

Like always

My only worry is that

I might not stop at the right time.

Gasping and bleeding alone,

With nobody than him beside me.

Feeling time pressing my shoulders

And tear drops like boulders.

However, looking at you now

Might make you feel important somehow.

But, in fact you’re not

You’re just trying to erase all the memories you’ve got

From my dark moments

Seeking somebody to help me overcome my emotions.

Going to prove you wrong,

Going to stay strong.

NU

imi simt lacrimile curgand pe obraji.
imi simt inima goala.
ma simt goala.
simt frig.
mainile imi sunt reci.
asa nu imi pasa.
sunt singura.
din nou.
in acelasi pat,
sub aceeasi plapuma.
vreau sa nu mai plang singura.
vreau sa nu mai adorm plangand.
vreau sa fiu fericita.
vreau sa nu mai vreau nimic.
vreau sa ma multumesc cu ce am.
ce naiba caut?
CEEEEEE? ce-mi lipseste?
de ce ma simt asa acum?
vreau sa fiu tinuta in brate si sa plang pe umarul cuiva.
dar stiu ca niciodata nu pot avea lucrurile pe care mi le doresc in momentul in care mi le doresc.
pic
pic
pic
obrajii imi ard
privirea mi-e incetosata
gatul mi-e umed
aaaah, cat mi-e de cunoscut totul.
dar nu!
am promis ca nu!

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Red roses

Once upon a time there was a princess who lived in a kingdom far, far away. One day, the princess decided to lock herself in a tower. She wanted to get away from everything and everybody. She thought she would find her peace by staying all by herself all the time, so she didn’t allow anybody to enter her tower. The tower was very high and each day, the princess climbed another floor. She thought that the higher she was, the harder was for people to reach her.

She started doing everything alone. Day after day, week after week and month after month, the princess became more and more sad. Until one day...the day when the princess learned how to write down her feelings. From that day on, the princess wrote at least a few lines every day. It was her ritual and she found comfort in it. A piece of paper doesn’t judge you. It listens.

The only place she went to outside the tower was the castle’s garden. She went there every day. No matter what season it was, the princess always had her blue notebook and pen when she walked through the garden paths. One afternoon in early May she found herself sitting on a bench in the gardens of the castle with her head in her hands and tears pouring from her eyes. She wept and she wept until the tears had made a pool on the ground beside her. The princess was terribly unhappy. She didn’t know what to do in order to stop crying. She had nobody to talk to. Writing wasn’t enough anymore. She needed something else. But the princess didn’t realize what was it that she needed.

Some weeks passed and, in sorrow, the princess decided to go and pick some roses from the garden. She took a pair of scissors and a basket and left the tower. It was a beautiful morning and the golden sun rays caressed the pale skin of her face. The blue highlights from her hair danced in the wind as the princess started running towards the closest bush. Her eyes were red from crying, although she tried to hide it with black make-up. Nobody noticed the princess anyway, but she still felt the need to hide the traces of her affliction. The rose bushes smelled beautifully and as the princess approached them, she noticed how delicate the flowers looked. The princess carefully grabbed the scissors and tried to cut a piece from the rose bush. But the princess wasn’t careful enough and she stung herself with the sharp, black thorns. She was scared at first for she felt pain and couldn’t exactly tell where it came from. Shortly after, she felt something else. A pleasant and relieving feeling sunk her body. The pain didn’t scare her anymore. The princess watched a few drops of blood dripping from the pierced skin and she felt an incredible thirst for her blood. Her lips slowly approached the skin of her wrist and she tasted the metallic body fluid. The princess felt happy. It was for the first time in a long while.

The princess started carrying the same pair of scissors and the basket every time she went into the garden. She followed the ritual every single day. But she quickly noticed that the pain caused by only one thorn wasn’t enough. So, the princess started to deliberately sting herself with more and more thorns. Sometimes even several times a day. The princess went in the garden only to feel pain. Her clean and white wrists were now covered with brown marks and fresh blood stains. The princess wondered why all of the roses were white and she quickly came up with an idea how to make them red. Without any hesitation, she grabbed the pair of scissors and pressed the cold, silver blade against her skin. Fresh, warm blood started to spill instantly. The princess gasped for air as she tried to collect her blood in one hand. Still, a few blood drops spilled on the ground and wherever the blood spilled, a new rose bush started to grow. When the princess finally managed to gather the desired amount of blood, she poured it over a white rose. In a matter of seconds, the entire rose petals turned red. The princess smiled. Now the roses had the colour of her bleeding soul. Noticing how beautiful red roses look, she decided to make all the roses red. She had enough blood in her veins to paint all of them. The princess felt a rush of excitement through her entire body and her heart started beating faster. The scissors made another vertical incision. And another. And another. And another. The princess couldn’t stop. Salty tears started dripping from her eyes as she realized what she had done. There was no turning back now. The princess knew it. Her knees felt week, the clear sky started spinning. Her dried mouth couldn’t ask for help.

Red rose bushes blossomed all around her, surrounding her with a wonderful smell. The pain wasn’t there anymore.

She was surrounded by her beloved roses.

Her last heartbeat…

Her body disappeared…

Silence never felt more suffocating…

[*Image source : http://gurololi.deviantart.com/art/Angelic-Princess-130389822?q=boost%3Apopular%20in%3Aphotography%20princess&qo=14]

Amintiri pt. 2

Imi amintesc curtea bunicilor mei, poarta verde cu o gaura pe unde isi strecura mereu capul tata cand venea sa ma duca la plimbare, polita pentru sticlele de lapte, cutia postala pe care o verificam de fiecare data cand ajungeam cu tricicleta pana la poarta. Imi amintesc cum stateam cu bunicul meu afara si ma invata cum sa desenez libelule; aveam un caiet intreg cu libelule, de toate formele si dimensiunile. Imi amintesc foarte putine despre bunicul meu. Stiu ca nu imi dadea voie sa ma uit la desene cat vroiam eu, mereu imi interzicea sa stau mai mult de 2 ore/zi; zicea ca imi stric ochii. Imi amintesc de televizorul nostru primitiv, care nici macar nu avea telecomanda, trebuia sa ma ridic de pe pat ca sa schimb programele(nu ca as fi avut ce sa schimb din moment ce programul meu preferat era Cartoon Network, ocazional Tvr1 urmaring Teraur folcloric). Familia Adams si Scooby Doo erau preferatele mele, desi eram mereu suparata de ce nu arat si eu ca si Daphne, doar era idealul meu de frumusete feminina pe atunci. Imi amintesc cat de mult imi placeau fulgii de porumb; daca incepeam o cutie nu ma lasam pana nu o terminam pe toata. Daca ma gandesc mai bine, era printre singuele mancaruri pe care le mancam cu placere, alaturi de batoanele Kit-Kat primite de la ceva vecina care le-a adus din Germania. Imi amintesc cat de tare detestam ora mesei pentru ca stiam ca mi se va pune o portie monstruoasa in fata si voi fi obligata sa o mananc pe toata. Dar daca eram "recompensata" cu cun Kit-Kat la sfarsit merita sacrificiul. Imi aduc aminte cand mancam in veranda si am fost muscata de un viespe. De atunci am o problema cu zburatoarele care inteapa. Imi amintesc cat de mult imi placeau ouale Kinder. Mereu primeam unul drept rasplata dupa ce ma intorceam de la doctor. Imi amintesc cand a trebuit sa mi se scoata polipii. Eram ingrozita. Operatia era programata mai pe dupa masa si eram destul de linistita la gandul ca o voi avea pe mama alaturi. Dar cand eram pe punctul de a intra in salon asistenta i-a oprit trecera mamei. Am crezut ca lumea mea se va sfarsi pe loc. Cu greu m-am tarat intr-un pat si mi-am ghemuit picioarele la barbie si am stat asa o perioada. Asta pana cand a mai venit un baietel cam de varsta mea, la fel de traumatizat si speriat. Eram incantata la perspectiva ca nu va trebui sa ma macin de una singura si ca voi putea macar sa discut cu cineva. L-am intrebat cum il cheama, dar nu mi-a raspuns. L-am mai intrebat inca de 2 ori, dar tot nu a vrut sa imi raspunda, asa ca am renuntat. Se pare ca era mai speriat decat mine, din moment ce refuza sa isi deschida gura sau sa se miste. Asa ca am revenit la pozitia mea de dinainte si am asteptat. La un moment dat s-a deschis usa si o asistenta a venit sa ma ia. Am ajuns intr-o camera relativ mica, intunecoasa, ce avea un scaun ruginit in mijloc. Nu arata grozav, dar presupuneam ca imi era destinat. M-am asezat cuminte, insa nu aveam curajul sa spun nici un cuvant. Doctorul, plictisit isi punea niste manusi albe si asistenta, observand ca tremur usor, mi-a spus sa nu imi fie frica, ca nu ma va durea si mi-a legat ambele maini cu o sfoara alba. Iar eu tot nu indrazneam sa fac nicio miscare, desi simteam cum ata imi intra in pielea de la incheieturile mainilor. Asistenta o strangea din ce in ce mai tare, pana cand am simtit ca mainile imi amortesc. Eram imobilizata la maini, dar se pare ca nu a ajuns si picioarele mele au fost la fel de strans legate de scaun. Ma simteam neputincioasa, ca un animal legat inainte de a fi omorat. Doctorul s-a apropiat de gura mea cu o spatula si mi-a spus sa o deschid. Supusa, am facut ce mi s-a spus, desi mi-am inchis ochii. Am simtit ca si cum cineva mi-ar fi zgariat gatul pe dinauntru cu 1000 de ace si am facut greseala sa-mi deschid ochii. In fata mea am zarit un fel de farfurioara plina cu sange si polipii mei, ce semanau cu 2 boabe mari si maro de fasol, aflati intr-o balta de sange. Simteam cum la marginea gurii mi se prelingea sange, dar nu imi puteam misca mainile sa ma sterg. Simteam o durere ingrozitoare in gat, mult mai puternica decat o durere de raceala. Desi nu am indraznit sa tip, cand doctorul mi-a spus in final ca s-a terminat am varsat o singura lacrima si mi-am desclestat pumnii. Mi s-au dezlegat mainile si picioarele si am constatat ca ma dureau. Incheieturile mainilor imi erau rosii si umflate si puteam zari urma atei care m-a strans, iar gleznele imi ardeau. Dar scapasem. Si nu imi mai amintesc nimic dupa aceea.

Amintiri

Imi aduc aminte de cand mergeam la gradi, de cum ma ducea bunicul meu acolo si asteptam cu sufletul la gura sa fie si verisoara mea acolo. A fost un eveniment cand m-a dus mama. Imi amintesc cum m-am asezat pe o bancuta de lemn de dimensiuni liliputane si cum ma prefaceam ca imi dezleg sireturile, privind insa pamantul, dar prefacandu-ma extrem de preocupata, ca sa nu mi se vada lacrimile siroindu-mi pe fata. Dar nu ma puteam preface pentru totdeauna si odata si odata tot trebuia sa imi ridic privirea. Imi aduc aminte ca de indata ce mama m-a vazut m-a imbratisat si m-a asigurat ca ne vom vedea curand, incercand sa imi distraga atentia aratandu-mi dulapul verisoarei mele. "Azi sigur ca vine"; dar dulapul era gol, umerasul unde ar fi trebuit sa ii atarne hainuta era neatins, iar papuceii erau de nevazut. Imi amintesc cum tresaream la fiecare fetita ce venea, poate la fel de amarata ca si mine, insotita de vreo ruda, sperand ca va veni.
Imi amintesc cum mi-am pierdut primul dinte in timp ce mancam obisnuitul meu pranz:un mar taiat felii, pus intr-un pahar rosu, acoperit de o punga de nylon. Simteam ca trebuie sa il pierd din clipa in clipa, asa ca imi era teama sa musc cu toata forta. Totusi, am fost neatenta si am simtit o intepatura in locul dintelui din fata, mi-am coborat privirea si am vazut urme de sange. Mi-am dus mana la dintii din fata si am constatat ca nu mai era acolo. Dar unde a cazut? Pe masa nu se zarea nici urma de dinte, dar am vazut o linie rosiateca ce serpuia in josul fetei de masa. Cu maini tremurande, am dat-o la o parte si l-am vazut: dintele meu; primul meu dinte cazut. Eram usurata ca scapasem asa de usor, dar si fascinata micul meu dintisor alb, asa ca nu m-am putut abtine sa nu-l ridic de pe jos. Mi-am intins mana, dar nu ajungeam la el, asa ca m-am intins mai tare, pana cand tot corpul meu a ajuns sub masa. In patru labe, inaintam anevoios printre picioarele celorlalte fete ce isi vedeau nepasatoare de pranzul lor. Iar eu imi cautam ceea ce era al meu. Desi nu mai facea parte din corpul meu, nu puteam renunta asa de usor la el. In sfarsit am ajuns si mi-am intins o manuta dupa el. Mi-am patat doua degete cu sange, dar nu imi pasa; am ajuns la ceea ce era al meu; era din nou in posesia mea. (Cred ca si in astazi il mai am pe undeva)