October 23rd

There's a brief moment right after you wake up that you somehow feel totally aware of the life you have. I mean, like in that moment there's all this raw emotion you've been trying to bottle up each second of your day. The entire reality of the situation hits you and you don't really know how to react to it. The first instinct is if you're a person called Laura to start crying. And so I did. At 6 am I started crying. I didn't even know why I was crying. All I knew was that I needed to let it all out somehow. What exactly I didn't know. There have been so many changes in the last couple of months, and mainly good ones. I feel happy about my life and myself in general. Which is a totally new and unfamiliar feeling for me. And I still feel that things change each day. I don't even understand the changes anymore.

September 16th

Every night, at approximately 1:30 am there is an aeroplane hovering above her house. It was the third time she heard it. This night was no exception. She wonders if this is the last time she will hear it. This routine was comforting for her. Soon she will not be hearig any aeroplanes or the barking of the dog next door. She will find herself in complete solitude. It's what she wanted. She already feels alone. She will make it. She is so much stronger than she thought. She deserves so much better. Finally she is starting to understand it. The more she grasps the idea, the more easier it is for her to detach herself. Even though he was important to her, she is proud of herself for standing her ground. It was harder than she thought. She lost two things with a couple of sentences. So be it. It was her time. She will not be defeated. He wasn't right about anything. And she is convonced of that. His words did not pierce the bricks, did not shatter her beliefs. It's weird that she actually feels liberated. She can breathe on her own and she can pursue her path (whichever that is). It's strange how you get to know people. The persons that you least expect become so important to you. What is even weirder is how these connections evolve. Persons who you believe will always be there walk away. She didn't. Because of her she hasn't given up. For the first time in weeks a tear rolled down her left cheek. She felt it on her neck. The salty liquid dried and left an invisible trace. She could feel it on her face. Yet she couldn't cry. She couldn't sleep. She was alone with her thoughts.

September 7th

I never thought I could actually feel this way.

The tiny bubbles in the water were shining in the white light. Her hand was surrounded by dancing diamonds. As she was drifting away from the shore, her hands were gently hovering on the surface of the water. She could reach the bottom of the pool so that she was able to focus on the movements of her hand. Slow motion enthralled her. She wished she could freeze that moment in time. It felt as if the entire existence was concentrated in those bubbles struggling to reach the surface.

She held her breath and dived. Nothing held her back this time. For a brief moment she felt like she was somebody else. But it was herself all along. Her hidden self. She closed her eyes, filled her lungs with air and dived into the shallow depth of the water.

***

The room was cloudy and the air heavy. She was not alone. There was a man standing next to the door. 

Everybody was naked, including herself. She had no inhibitions; she felt comfortable showing her body. She was done having body related issues. Even the fact that she was the youngest person there didn’t bother her. She placed her towel underneath her and placed her feet into the lotus position. She straightened her back and placed her hands on the bent knees. Her breath shortened in the first minutes as she tried to control the amount of air she was inhaling.

Her eyes were closed. As she was not used to the air, she choked on it. The sound of the cough echoed in the tiny room. She opened her eyes for a brief moment just to see the man in front of her caressing his penis. His legs were spread and his right hand was moving up and down. The sight of it made her so sick at the point she could throw up. The reaction puzzled her a bit. 

August 28th

Why do we keep struggling that I do not know. Maybe hoping that one day it will get better. But what do you know, it just won’t. You just start getting used to the same old things each day and accept them without even questioning. You keep pushing yourself to exhaustion. You are fully aware of it, yet you can’t stop it. It’s like you’re feeding on y our own self-induced sufferance.

For one moment, your heart stopped beating. You remembered. You felt like world was spinning and all you could think about was her. Your felt your heart breaking. Cloudy eyes. Teary eyes. The bright light was now foggy. You felt like you were choking. You wanted to break down right there and right now. But you couldn’t. Fake it with confidence, sweetie. You know you can do it. After a couple of seconds you were back on your feet. Or so it seemed for the unseen eyes. You just wanted to be left alone. So you kept focusing on their problems, their concerns, just to distract yourself. It worked for a couple of hours. Until you were all alone with your thoughts.

That’s why people work. Not for the money, but to run away from themselves. It’s so much easier when you know you have an anchor. You know when you’re good at something and it gives you a sense of security. It makes you feel more in control of yourself. Especially when you know there’s no way for you to fail. You’re simply good at what you do. Nobody can take that away from you. Nobody. At the end of the day you feel exhausted, yet you find yourself talking about the same things that cause you so much stress during the day.

Another day, the same routine, the same cup of coffee, the same bed sheets, the same purple light. The same you. You’re left with yourself. Now that’s your problem that you can’t deal with your loneliness. Especially when you’ve wanted this for so long, right? It’s what you wanted. You find yourself grasping the pillow so tightly that your fingers hurt. You crawl up in a corner so that the entire bed remains empty. Deal with it. It all comes with a price. 

You see him every day always with a smile on his face. Yet you know it’s not like him to be that way. Something in his smile does not seem right. He talks as if he doesn’t care. Yet you know he does. You know very well how he feels. Even though he never told you, you know it. And for some reason it hurts you to see him this way. You wish you could take back everything. You wish he hadn’t met you. You wished that everybody who got to know you would not feel so disappointed in you. Especially not him. Admit the fact that you cared. You did. Not enough, but you did care. You just wished that you could care more. But you know you couldn’t. And you end up hurting everybody. That’s just who you are. 

Move along

There is a theory which claims that human beings have a finite amount of heartbeats. How many heartbeats have I used up until this second? How many beats do I have left? How many minutes, days or even years I’ve taken away from my life? I have no idea and to be honest I’m not sure I want to know the answer to neither of the questions above mentioned .

Somebody once told me that ice cold hands are a sign of sincerity. Maybe it’s just a coincidence.

 

Everything is so chaotic and the general feeling is overwhelming. It feels like I am on a train that is racing through endless and unknown territories, but does not show any sign of slowing down. Its speed hinders me from seeing anything around me and all the other passengers seem to be engrossed in their own misery. Everybody keeps looking out the window, yet nobody can catch a glimpse of the landscape, nor acknowledge the presence of other human beings. It’s like everybody is trapped inside a word that they themselves had created. It’s only the dirty window that catches their attention. Eyes and ears are unable to process the information since every frame seems to be changing with an incredible speed and you’re left alone, in front of the ever-changing surroundings.

 

Reminder is the undeniable proof that something actually happened and that is why people find it hard to let go of the past. Even though memories are often painful, they surface in random moments and you can’t keep them under control. They are similar to the water that flows through a creek and the unpredictable nature provides them from being controlled.

 

You are so naïve if you believe that people are “good” by nature. People usually thrive on the pain of their fellow equals. Just like you thrive on your own pain.

Nu e suficient de nervoasa. Asta trebuie sa fie problema. Sau si-a pierdut increderea in sine. Unele lucruri nu le poate recunoaste nici fata de ea. De atat de mult timp incearca sa inteleaga, dar parca acum nimic nu mai are sens. Cu cat se gandeste mai mult, cu atat are impresia ca intelege mai putin.

 

Poate ca de-a lungul vietii intalnim o singura persoana care sa se asemene cu noi in proportie de 90%. Asta daca suntem norocosi. Sau nu. Inca nu ma pot hotari. 

Five last words

The skin on her chest and upper arms was cold. She had splashed it with freshly scented vanilla water a couple of moments ago. There were some crystals resting on her chest which did not dissolve yet. She crushed them with her fingers. She looked on her left. The candle was lit and for a moment she was tempted to approach her hand in the flame, but she stopped at the last moment.

His eyes were burning. He was disappointed in her.

She felt like crying, but she was unable to shed a single tear. She was messed up and she was not understood.

1000000 thoughts on her mind.

The impossibility to focus. The lack of cohesion.

All she could see were purple dots.

Hopeless.

There was no way out.

One single comforting thought. She said NO.

She never got what she wanted from all the persons she has ever gotten close to. She was never enough. She was never fucking good enough.

She just wished she never got involved in the first place. But that’s not her.

She’s the kind of person who gives her all and does not receive anything in return.

It’s sad.

She needed you, but for your information, never admitted that. She wanted you there, but you didn't. So, why bother?

Everything and nothing at the same time. 

You were never there. 

You did not get her.

You never will. 

For a minor reflection

‘’I’ve got an idea about something I want to write about. It’s been on my mind for some time now. It’s about a man who decides to enrol in the secret service and falls in love with an older female agent. They fall in love, but then she decides to walk away for somebody else. They had this thing; they would play Russian roulette, but with fake bullets. She liked the adrenalin rush.’’

Her heart started pounding as she was listening to him. Don’t look at him, don’t look at him was all she could think about.

‘’I’ll be leaving in a couple of weeks… Will you even miss me?’’

She was looking at the wet asphalt trying to avoid answering his question. He approached her until his head rested on her left shoulder. She put her right hand on his hand and gently caressed him. Her hands were cold and she started trembling. It wasn’t that cold outside; she just got a glimpse of his shattered hopes.

‘’It’s going to be strange not seeing you anymore and going out with you.’’

‘’You didn’t answer my question though. What do you mean by strange?’’

‘’I got used to seeing you almost every day and talking to you. I’ll miss talking to you.’’

‘’You’re still not answering my question. Let’s leave it at that.’’

She woke up with the most terrible headache. His words were pounding in her mind.  It was another ordinary day in her ordinary life.

She was resting her head on the pillow. She could feel each muscle in her body trembling as she was laying down. Even though it was August, she felt cold shivers in her body and her feet were cold as well. She was trying to empty her mind, but fragments of the entire day were playing in her mind. She was her own prisoner.